Five dys till Christmas. It's kind of exciting this year . . . I have a new baby boy, Ryan and my husband, Matthew. If I didn't have them who knows what the hell I'd be doing. I'd probably be off on some new adventure , living in a new state and once again, trying to run awqay from my past and everything I knew. I guess I'm a "runner". I don't like confronting my past and I feel as though I'm far too good for it at times. I've come along way from the emotional, chaotic , unbalanced person I was. Life is not exactly balanced here now but atleast I have things to keep me in one place like my husband and son. I'm happy with both the husband and son. The husband still continues to treat me really well and take good care of me and our son and my son has forced me to become a more patient, loving person in a way.

Going from almost 300 lbs to a current weight of 148 has been ever so drastic. I feel much better, have gained a great deal of confidence but the only thing that haunts me is the way people treat me NOW. I hate to admit it but people treat me a lot better. Yah, it's good but I was still a good person before. Ilet fashion and appearance rule my life over the past couple years and I became a bit "superficial" but still very nice to people. I just took out a lot of past anger on loved onces and I ALWAYS sought revenge. I'm learning that I'm a revengeful person and this can be dangerous. Is it worth it? Probably not and I need to let go of past shit.

So what else have i been doing lately? I've been working at the winery on weekends, working at the health center on call and at the day spa. Matthew has joined Karate and no, I'm not participating right now. I'm focusing on being a good Mommy. I went to LA last weekend because Matthew's parents flew in and that was uncomfortable but I remained as polite as I could be and that was that. I won't put on a "show" for them and pretend I actuelly give a damn about them nor did I try to start any fights. I was calm and just "there".

I have a nasty ass cold right now. Matthew is at work and I'm trying to stay in bed for once. Ryan is at Grandma's till 2:00 so I could get a much needed nap.